We dont need to sugar coat it, love doesn't always last forever, even in marriages. I wish I knew what falling out of love feels like when
you have promised forever, knowing you can't take it back or take a break.
Remember when you fell in love? When you felt all those butterflies? I felt it all but now I dont know how I feel anymore. I am grateful that we chose to be friends, without it I dont know how we would have enjoyed these few years of marriage. There was a time I used to say I can't live without you and I want to always wake up beside you, but after saying "I do", there are mornings I feel like I want to run away, days I no longer feel those butterflies, I dont hate you, but..... Its just hard to say what I really feel for you, I hate that I begin to question my vows and it hurts me knowing that I might be regretting making the choice; did I make the right choice?
Our lives have become so serious, having to focus on other things other than ourselves, forgetting those liitle details that made us fall in love, we dont talk like we used to, we are hardly available for each other, our lives now take a specific routine, our conversations now are about children, feeding, school fees, rent, we are lost so much that we dont have the time to say " I love you" to each other, or how much we care, this is the real deal now, the reality of our love, our vows and our marriage, dealing with the issues of life, the things that exist to matter now. Again, I am grateful that we chose to be friends because I get to understand when you dont say the words I want you to, I know it is not as a result of you not loving me anymore because I have come to realise that marriage is deeper than love. We get carried away by the problems we face that we forget what our attraction was, I asked myself, on the days when I appear ugly, untidy, unkept and unbearable, imagine being all these things and imagine marrying the wrong person? Would you see me the same after a while? What would you do when time steals away my beauty? Would you be patient with me when time steals my strength and am unable to walk down the stairs as fast as I used to? Would you be waiting for me with the door open by the car or would you seat angrily with your foot ready to hit the pedals to drive away without me? Imagine marrying someone who makes it difficult for you to be imperfect and a human, infallible? How can you deal with your life and marriage without a supportive partner? I considered all these and I realised it was you, I knew I could deal with your temperament, how you act when you are mad, how long your anger last, how nice you are, do you try to please me even with the little you have? How much do you try to help? I prepared myself for you and prepared myself for us to support you while you have little, I even try not to know you finish so I won't get bored, I let my heart remain naive to expect so much and be disappointed, so that I can still feel, when I make you mad, I am surprised most times when you dont react as I would expect, shows me how much we still have to look forward to.
I am grateful for your faith, you are not just a Christian by words, you are really a man of your words. I knew if there were things about our love, personality and faith I tried to sugarcoat and just tolerate, I would have given up on us by now because I can't compromise on my forever as there is no going back on the decision once it is made.
In marriage, i have learned that love wouldn't be enough and it will never be, I didnt always love you, I grew into it and with time it still fades, we get anxious about tomorrow, getting bored waking up together everyday, but going through life with my friend and companion, someone who is understanding, makes me enjoy our union. Fairy tales are not real, love stories dont matter, all you ever dreamed or wished for going into marriage dont go as planned, telling yourself things you would do to be happy to keep the marriage exciting, but once you are there, it is different, your focus changes, your plans do, your choices do, your priorities do, your expectations do, you have to make choices in an instant cos you dont have time to figure things out, and then children come in, you have a real family now, you have to compromise, you have more reason not to focus on yourselves, this is the next level, but I am grateful for our friendship, i remember promising you forever, it seems i may not love you that long but I have forever to keep making mistakes and learning how to love you differently everyday....
(Osakwe James Nkemjika 20-04-20)
Inspired by Queen E Ashibel. Thank you so much.
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