TALES OF A DREAMER - DEAR ALMOST

(Pieces of my regrets)

Dear Almost,

You were the first friend I had, we were both new to school, the environment, having new feelings
and emotions being away from home and your old life. We decided to take a walk after lectures, not a normal walk, a walk to know each other, the first step to every relationship. I could tell it was what you wanted, you seemed into me, laughed at my jokes, we spoke for hours at education, down to the foundry until 2pm when we decided we had to rest and see ourselves by 6pm for more walks and more talks, i saw you down to the girls hostel and watched you walk in, the happiness in your eyes as you turned and waved goodbye with that bright smile on your face, it felt exciting, you looked like you had found the guy of your dreams. The night brings so much possibilities on campus, we had the liberty to do whatever we wanted; including falling in love. I was attracted to you and now you would be my girlfriend, I hoped. I was already getting used to you even though it was just for a day, slim, beautiful, intelligent, I wouldn't have to feel lonely for long, I was looking forward to our first kiss that night.

 You got there before me, and waited, 6pm, 7pm, they say better late than never or never late is better, well I guess, because I stood you up, first time in my life i ever stood a girl up, was it an act of cowardice? Did I get cold feet? No, the truth is I wasn't ready for that level of commitment I saw you proposing, being all yours, everyone seeing us together all the time, spoiling my chances of being with other girls, I wanted to experience life, so yeah, it was better to let you down that bit than hurting you the way I could have if we took that next step,.you wouldn't deserve that kind of regret. 

I saved you from me, and after that day, I never got the chance to explain this to you, because it would sound crazy, selfish and stupid, you would never understand, I assumed, I wasn't good for you, I had ghost from my past and the 1:30 am decision I made kicking in. I know now you see me as the enemy, seeing me everyday in class and remembering how I disappointed you, how it made you feel or think about yourself, still trying to figure out how long you waited for me that night and what went through your mind while walking back to your room alone, words you never got the chance to say, the kiss you hoped for and the love you didn't have the chance to feel. I kept admiring you from a distance, you wrote stuffs too just like me, I remember asking you for a poem and you did write one for me, the most beautiful thing anyone has ever written to me, you understood me and I didn't see that, you knew exactly what I was; being with me for just few hours. You paid attention and studied me, even the things I didn't say and what people felt about my kind of person, you knew them all. You also knew the risk and you were prepared for the worst, how could I have concluded for you? Reading that poem made me regret my actions that night, you were everything I needed, cos when you fall in love with a writer, you life becomes a beautiful story. 

I never said sorry to you, maybe I never got the chance based on what I assumed, but I have the chance now to apologize and I want to say I am sorry for doing the right thing for you, the only one time in four years I tried to be a human. If I could go back and try again.....

Yours almost too,

Nkemjika.