Here i am standing over the dark pieces of my life, staring at the traces from the trails I left, wondering where i got it all wrong. Which step did i miss? It doesn't seem to make sense or add up. I thought I was moving in the right direction, but a king who sees himself as a pawn, will only end up on the wrong square. Who was I really in this game? Before you find out let me ask; do you love Chess?
If you must know, a chess is a two-player strategy board game played on a checkered board with 64 squares having 32 game pieces (each player owning 16), one king, one queen, two rooks, two knights, two bishops and eight pawns. Chess for all I know puts you at war on the board, hoping to fall a king, and to do that, you have to eliminate every other piece and most importantly, the queen. Now my life in a chess wasn't focused on checkmating the king, but the queen. You know that phrase; 'defense is the best form of attack', question is, how long can you keep that line from being breached? I thought I had it all figured out but in all my plays, there was never a strategy, just move the next available piece and sacrifice to conquer. I anticipated no counter attacks and had no plans, I was fixed on getting that queen because I learned the hard way that a plan can leave you exposed and defenseless when that plan fails, and in that moment there is no going back, no undoing it or changing to make a lower risk move, the players keep pushing forward, and in my reality I kept attacking because the queen if you must know is the most dangerous piece on that board and she would do anything to protect her king and that was who I wanted to be 'her king', but I had a queen on my side and still needed the other queen, and so, on and on, I always keep chasing, not minding the outcome of the results, the queens were always the focus, never satisfied with the number, as long as they were there, i still wanted more.
UNIPORT brought a different game plan to me, all my chances got thrown away while chasing things that weren't really running, things you can enjoy when you actually get on board. Certificate programme held no guarantees, for one year study hard and pass was all there was, but I had other ideas. Freedom was new to me, away from home and its troubles, I had the liberty to do what I wanted, but you see that freedom was my biggest distraction because instead on focusing on what I was there for, I lost my way. And you know how those stories go where in the end, you go back home while achieving nothing? Nobody knew except me, the reasons why I failed, but I locked the guilt up and pretended up till this moment and the secrets began. The only consolation I could give myself was that I found a queen, but she wasn't going to stick around, I knew I had to go chasing again. Where to, 'Benin City'. I thought heading to Benin was the most important journey I had ever made in my life, boding on the fact that my excuse to leave Port Harcourt was so I could focus on getting into school, but in chess, know that pieces lie a lot and this move changed the whole game.
As a kid, I was wrong about so many things, I have been living with these monsters all my life, I remember when I would cry myself to sleep every night, cos I was scared of what the future held, fear of failure and death and I would pray to God not to let anyone be taken away from my family, so strong was the love I had for them that it hurt me to know I would lose them one day, but I was a kid, so how could I be so aware of a pain I haven't felt and carry the burden over things I could only but prepare towards, probably because I didn't trust myself to handle the hurt when the time would come. And so, my problems began. You see, it felt like it was just a phase I would get over, but it was what shaped my life. In those moments unknown to me, I began to lose touch with the things around me and I built up a defense system which allowed me love people without getting attached to them, but now I realised I got attached to something called the 'streets'. I could stay away from people, I could forget your name the moment I turn around and never bother about missing you until the next time we meet but I couldn't stay away from the streets. Am not talking about knowing the ins and outs, the corners and escape routes, I am talking about living the life of a gamer. That was the only life that brought me peace but you see, peace and comfort can be deceiving especially when you forget who you are. But did I know who I was? Cos you see the streets didn't only bring me comfort, it absorbed me and gave me the perfect illusion that it was OK not to move forward, don't go to school, stay home and have fun. I didn't see this as lack of progress for myself but having spent much time at home after secondary school, trust me, optimism grows dark and you question if u would ever make it again; but Benin came calling after 3 failed years, I knew I had to go, but in all honesty, it wasn't progress that made me board that bus, it was 'the chase' of my Queen.
You see, Love is a distraction that takes on several disguises just to deceive you to give into it, and when you do, it drains you of all your emotions till you have nothing else to give, but I was different, I didn't love with emotions or attachments, I was draining love by the perfect representative of my name, 'JAMES.' (Do your research, it will make more sense to you). But in this journey, I knew what was waiting for me on the other side. What I didn't know was if it was waiting for me. It took me one year to mastermind this plan just like chess, as each piece fell into place perfectly for me to make that move for an inescapable checkmate, a level of creativity someone of my age shouldn't have access to, but being on the streets, you learn to play the long game, set the pieces looking to checkmate the king then when she tries to protect that king, you own the queen. She was truly a Queen, one that I was ready to leave my life behind for, and in that journey, I left my life.
I wasn't the brightest one in class, I wasn't the best reader but I knew how to pass, call it genius or whatever, I had this optimism that when I am faced with any test, I would overcome, but this test of my life in UNIPORT I never knew what I was getting into and I didn't care cos you see, nothing really mattered, not school, not family, but seeing my queen everyday and so the plan was perfected just so I could see her again. So I made it to Benin, a place famous for its traditions and crimes, a strange land to me, the roads were confusing and I knew it would take a lot of getting used to.
I wanted to get down to business, I couldn't waste any more time, I have waited one full year to get here by being patient with my moves and I didn't want to spend another day waiting, so I set up a meeting for the next day, not the usual way of 'hello am in Benin, can we meet?' No, not that. It was a kinda, 'hello, Nkem sent something over to you, can u come get it?' Yeah, someone made that happen, someone I planted in her life as a bait to earn her trust and be that middle man. I was anxious but scared, cos it has been so long and as a surprise, it had to be perfect. But you see, expectations just like peace and comfort can be dangerous. I have already played out the rest of the moves left on the board in my head and knew the checkmate would be an intense and exciting five seconds the moment we see, but......
P.S: ('the normal me wouldn't want to let it out', but no, not this time).
.... the moment she walked into the house, I had already anticipated the next move as she would make her way to the room with expectations like a diving hug or a bust of tears, I was already prepared to react too, with a squeezing hug and a spin around but what I got, and to my surprise and now yours - cos I was more in shock than you would be, seeing her, she looking at me as she walked in, all she did was say 'hey'. My God, 'hey', a year of planning all for a 'hey'? Not the exciting screaming 'heeeeyyyyyy', then a hug, no, it was the short friends passing bye each other type of 'hey' like she saw me yesterday. Should I be excited? This wasn't part of my expectations, like nobody would in a million hear anticipate a 'hey' and you could tell I was flogged down to hades from the way my smile froze as a grin of disappointment clouded my face that a perfect day of my life, a Cinderella moment, was nothing but comic thrust of mediocrity. Honestly i could call her over the phone to tell her I was in Benin if 'hey' was what i wanted to hear. Hold on, please reason this with me for a moment...... the whole planning to cut short the distance, the road risk, the surprise and not to even mention the bloody lie, was all for a 'hey'!!!! Your heart melted right? Me, I haven't recovered from that moment, and you see the need to just lock it up behind a door, because it was the most casual and brutal way of appreciating someone's effort especially when that person and that moment means so much to you, it leaves a mark and a bad one, drains your confidence and your esteem, and in what manner would you lie down at the end of the day to think about that moment and smile, you would wish to forget because you expected more and the bad thing is that you can't take it a step back, replay the moment and make it perfect the way you wanted it, or tell her to go back outside, and try again, it isn't a movie, it is real life and you see this life, you might have plans for it but it always has its plans for you cos nothing is guaranteed, not love, not life, not fairytale endings, but I was only looking for a good start, but that was my final piece, meaning the end had begun.
That door had another disappointment to hide for me, cos that moment defined my next experience as I gradually became the master of my own demise because the perfect plan, my grandest design was the beginning of that king's downfall as that move backed him to a corner and seeing my position on that board, i could only tell myself; 'O James, 'you are fucked'.... Victoria had made that life changing move I never anticipated, I told you, the Queen was the most dangerous piece, I was wrong again this time because love was my only weapon, I had no other line of defense and all it took was her taking away one piece that held the plan together, 'her attention' and this was an inescapable threat. But yeah, this was only the first day, and I can only help but imagine what happened next. Well let's wait to find out....
(Next tale - King vs King: The Queen's move)
click here to read King vs King: The Queens Move
No comments:
Post a Comment