Part 1
There I was trying to figure it all out, how could she be this heartless and inconsiderate?
With much pressure mounting as it was getting closer to my PUME, I expected her to be more supportive, I know me and Victoria always fought and quarreled, but for that one week left, we could put our differences aside so that I could be in the right frame of mind, but no, she had other ideas.
That night began like every other night, we began talking and making a lot of funny comments, we both knew how to savage each other and it was always fun but the conversation began drifting; the demons became envious of my happiness and all of a sudden the whole anxiety about my reality and expectations rushed in and instantly I went from being happy, to emotional, to depressed, a self inflicted melancholy. I saw her activities on her status, she put me up on her status to make me feel special and then few minutes after it was taken off, I asked why? She said the other guy was hurting because of it, I asked her if my feelings didn't matter? She couldn't give any reason to justify that because I knew there was no reason that could, I could never do that to her, no body who claims to love someone would put just a friend's feeling over their lover's, was I being jealous? Didn't I have the right to be angry? My paranoia began turning into arrogance mixed with my depression, I didn't know when i made a comment, that she should focus on her studies to avoid any failure, it was in a bid to make her feel guilty and hurt her I guess, and she had one for me, she always did, and she told me, "go and read, I don't want to be the reason for your failure". Wow, I began processing it, "she doesn't believe in me, did she ever? She is wishing that I would fail?" And just when she tried to apologise, the sorry couldn't change anything because the hurt had been done, I had no other thing to do so I went offline, not just that, I switched off my phone, and left it like that.
In that moment, my head felt cloudy, I was angry but it wasn't the usual way. My depression eased as if I needed those words to wake up, I felt the urge to prove her wrong, not because it was going to save us, but because I wanted to show myself that I was better than how she made me feel. And so, for a whole week I wasn't online or available for calls, my life was peaceful and happier, maybe the phone had always been my source of pain. I focused more on lessons and the friends I made during that period, we had midnight calls to study, they cared about us passing together not like Vicky, she was out of my head for a week, I never knew it was possible.
Exam day, you know when you are on your way to success and then something evil just chooses to happen? What do you call that, bad luck, worst luck or the devil's work? Mine was my 'handwork', I still don't know what pushed me into switching my phone back on that morning. Immediately I did, expectations kicked in and thoughts of her clouded my mind. Although I was unavailable, I was looking out if she tried to reach out to me through text, maybe she was worried or sad or missed me, but none came in. She didn't drop any message for me online, so she didn't even miss me to think the least? Maybe she was giving her attention to that other guy and he made her comfortable enough not to bother about me. Maybe their relationship is more than I assumed, they could even be planning a hangout and I am here going through my struggles alone.
I updated my status and wished myself exam success, read a few messages, then she saw my status and sent me a message; the devil was really having fun that morning. I nonchalantly read it, feeling proud she was the first person to send a message. She told me; "you switched off my phone for a week, I don't even know why I am still bothered. Anyways good luck?" Like really, anyways good luck? Was this an exam success message? She didn't even understand the weight of the words and their impacts, why I am still bothered? Just good luck? Wouldn't it have been better if she didn't wish me at all? Depression started creeping in back from where it stopped last week, why could she be this wicked and heartless? I asked in my reply, is this how you wish someone exam success? If it was the other guy, would you have told him like this? Wish I knew then not to ask such a question, bringing someone into the picture who wasn't our problem just highlighted my jealousy and insensitivity, I was focused more on somebody else instead of her, why wasn't anybody there to warn me? I shattered the last level of respect she had for me, and when she didn't respond, I knew for sure reading that message again, I had fucked up big time. After being selfish, not giving her a chance to apologise, leaving her for a week without notice, she being bothered, one thing I didn't realise was that each day that passed, I was becoming less and less important to her; if I could not care, why should she still care about me? She had changed for good, she was no longer going to be that girl that would wake up and call me in the morning or give me four missed calls because she was worried or wanted to talk to me and I wasn't available or would drop a text in the afternoon just to check up on me, she would no longer do that because I killed her interest, just like I started doing the year before when we were both in school.
I never really understood the message I passed to her until now, the only thing she ever held against me, was back in uniport when I asked her to come chill with me, it was a public holiday and she agreed. Usually she would stay at home, but when she came, you won't believe what I did, I left her all alone and went to play football. It didn't occur to me the gravity of that act, I spotted her when she came over to watch me but she was only looking for me when she saw me playing. It felt like nothing then to me, but it meant a lot to her. It wouldn't turn out to be a one time thing, I became fund of drifting, putting the blame on her, making her feel guilty and then switching off my phone every time we had a fight. I always shut her out until when I am satisfied and calm after feeding off other girls attention, I would come back to watch her apologise. Truth is that most times I had every reason to go off, sometimes I wouldn't want to say things I might regret when she was being insensitive, but, did I always have to be inconsiderate? Just like she was insensitive with her words that morning, she was fond of it most other night. It was like her defense system to make me look stupid, especially when I was acting up, cos she always told me she wasn't a magician that could read my mind and know why I am angry some days I ignore her, I would want her to realise she did something wrong and attone for it, but how could she when I won't tell her what it is? I don't like letting her off easily so I act up, push her away a bit so that she would run back to beg. It always worked, but not the same way that morning.
I left for the exam centre, I didn't have the chance to focus on my pain because I was distracted by the rowdiness, thousands of students queueing to get past the gate in just two lines, I wonder who planned it that way. It felt like punishment. I thought my turn would never come, luckily, I saw my friends at the front and slotted myself in. Exams were over and we were heading home, we took it as a stroll, gisting and making jokes as we made our way from ugbowo to uselu market, I began to understand the importance of having friends, they help you forget your pain, I didn't have time to remember i was hurting. Then her call came in, I still don't know how she knew I was done, was she following me? Did she send someone to spy on me? Was it just a lucky try or did we have a connection? All she said was that we had to discuss on Monday, I told her I may not be able to see her because with the family in town and no excuse to go out, it won't be possible for us to see in any way. She told me, 'if you don't want us to see, then let's end this relationship now', all I said was "OK", and she hung up. Being with friends, it didn't even pinch me a bit, I just broke up, maybe it wasn't real, it could be her being angry and we would probably talk and get back together, we always did, the break up to make up game, I had no reason to panick because the break up sounded like a suggestion. So much confidence I had that I didn't even know what was waiting for me that night, this was only half past five.
At 9 pm, the world around me was asleep, I could turn on my phone now, my exam was done, I could think clearly now. I was confident in my effort and the grace of God, because I drew closer to God in those few months I was in Benin, I needed distraction, I wanted to have a reason to leave home, probably work in Gods house for once, I have never sang in a choir so this was an opportunity, then I wanted where I could pass time so I wouldn't think of my relationship drama, may God forgive me. I had no honest reason to be there, I enjoyed the activities, the teachings, but it was becoming too much for me being more than a choir member, the discipleship class, evangelism, then the hope of opening a campus fellowship, me? Campus fellowship? Maybe God was making a mistake with me. Some days after seeing Victoria, I walk straight to church like I was coming from home, am glad his grace was sufficient, my intentions wasn't any campus fellowship when I get to school. You understand what I mean so I don't need to make it obvious.
9:30 pm and Victoria wasn't still online, not even to check on me or tease me about the exam although I was mad at her for the stunt she pulled in the morning and the suggested breakup in the evening, on a day like this. I asked her best friend if he had heard from her, then a weird story came out. He had asked her to accompany him to Ekpoma for his pume that day, she agreed because he would stay at her place. When they got there, he said she got on a bike and said she was going to see that guy, my worst enemy, the guy behind my insecurities. You know that cold chill you feel when you hear a terrifying news? Your palms begin to sweat, you are uncomfortable lying down, the words don't seem real, you don't care about anything because you are trembling, maybe you are anticipating the worst, at such a time in our relationship, someone she promised not to have contact with again for our sake, this was betrayal. I didn't even know what to ask him again because he was just casual about the whole movement, then he said he hasn't seen her since that time and he had to come back to Benin alone. Wait, alone? That must means she didn't return? She probably is....? No, I couldn't conclude so hastily. I chatted up his girlfriend because we were all friends, told me her boyfriend was back and Vicky wasn't, that something happened but Vicky has to tell me. Something like what? Why won't you say? She just couldn't. Oya where is the Vicky? She doesn't know. And boom, Vicky comes online as if she knew we were looking for her, I didn't even know where to start asking from or what to say, for more than ten minutes I was there thinking anxiously, she didn't even say hi, the normal me would find that offensive and try to use it against her later, but it didn't matter at that point, what was she doing at that moment? She is probably home that's why she is online, it has to be, or am I just consoling myself? Is she still there? What has she been doing or what is she doing now?
With my heart beating fast, knees feeling weak, hand feeling numb, fingers heavy, mind bleeding, having no answers to any questions in my head, I asked, "are we truly over?" She told me, "yes". Told her I needed one more chance, she said no, no more. I asked where she was, she said not my business. It was getting intense and I was uneasy with her lack of desire to respond. I told her that I knew where she was, I didn't know though, just to play her to tell the truth, and she admitted bluntly to seeing him. I asked another question directly and plainly, but if you must know, that phrase; "it is better to hurt me with the truth than console me with the lie" doesn't work for every body, please dont claim it if you don't have the heart to endure, the truth can be dangerous, avoid it. I asked a question I wasn't prepared for the answer, just like I always did, I just act without considering the effect it had on people, this time wasn't to others, it was to me, and when that message delivered, one thing was on my mind, "why did I just ask"? Most times we need the truth to most things for closure or clarity, we feel we can handle it, but that wasn't going to be my case. I asked, "did you have sex with him", and to my surprise she replied...... To be continued......
No comments:
Post a Comment