replied "yes"!! Have you ever thrown stone into a mirror and watch it scatter, or in a movie, how dramatic it is when glass shatters slowly dropping one piece at a time, that was how my mind shattered, I wish it was my heart instead. It was like a needle being pushed into my brain, the pain was to a specific point, asphyxiation causing you to roll in disbelief when everything you have feared have become your reality. Why me? Why her? Why him? Why did it have to be our relationship? Could he not have any girl but mine? Deb came back as if she didn't know that my world was falling apart telling me that if Vicky had told me the truth, then I should get her drugs because they didn't do it protected. Imagine the fuel being poured upon my fire? I haven't processed the feeling I had and she is telling me all this, did I offend the devil?
Back to Vicky, trying to figure out what was the point of all that. Why she threw away our love, and broke all promises, she didn't have any explanations other than the fact that they were dating now and she couldn't break up with him for me because she has promised not to hurt him. What of the promise you made not to hurt me? Hold on, we only broke up, not even a real break up, a suggestion it seemed, we didn't even sort out the conversation, then merely few hours after you are in another relationship? She is joking, it has to be a joke. Please let this be a joke. It seemed like a plan with her friends to hurt me, so that I can know her worth, be scared of loosing her, then learn to value her, or am I just going crazy thinking it is not real, am I loosing my mind? I don't feel sane, how does going mad feel? Is this what pain feels like, the type that make people walk on the street naked picking junks out of refuge bins? Would I end up that way with the way I am going crazy now? I wouldn't accept this, it sounded like a lie, a big joke. Then she told me that if I don't believe her I should check her status, and I did and got the answers I wanted, yes James, you are really fucked again this time.
I remember her last profile picture that night and the last status she put before going to bed, leaving me to deal with the misery of her action, I couldn't close my eyes because I kept playing out her every step in my mind. By putting myself in her shoes, I started painting the pictures. I imagined her having the conversation with him while I was playing the victim being offline, how they agreed to meet, how she fancied the idea, using M as an excuse, getting on that bike, getting to his place, the smile on her face, maybe they first hugged, or he carried her like in the picture she had which I saw about them which boosted my insecurities, imagined them having a conversation, or maybe they went straight to kissing, did he kiss you first or did you kiss him first like you did to me? Did you try to stop him or did you enjoy it? Did you go on top of him or did he go on top of you? Did you think of me in any of those moments and how it would hurt me or change our relationship? We promised no cheating, how could you break that trust and promise.
I tried sleeping with all theses burden on my chest, the images wouldn't go away, I was drowning in my misery, how could my mind be so cursed to imagine all these stuffs, why can't the pain just ease for me to sleep, when I imagine him on you every time, it makes me fling my hands and legs like a kid trying to cry on the bed, there wasn't light, so there was no fan to blow the pain away, the heat was making things worse, like I was caged in a small box, I couldn't roll comfortably, everything I wore made my body feel heavy, I had to cut of my hand bead because I was too unsettled to remove it, I wasn't feeling normal, my body didn't feel like mine, it was dealing with its own discomfort while my brain was fighting its own demons and she is probably asleep, peacefully in her world while I am here falling apart. It wasn't the pain that hurt, it was the constant reminder and the way my mind exaggerated and interpreted it, something so special for the both of us, someone has had a taste of that.
We built our love but it didn't feel perfect anymore. Was I thinking too selfishly? All I could do was pray for morning to come, but it was morning, it was 1 am, 6 hours away from day break where maybe house activities or church would help me deal with the betrayal, I didn't know if i could survive the night, the nightmare that haunted me that left me awake to deal with the demons around me, in my sleep there was no peace, in my reality being awake there was no peace, what was happening?? Suicide was the only option that came to my mind because I just wanted the pain to stop, I couldn't deal with it all, the images on my mind, all the things we have done together, sacrifices made, promises, hope for the future, all broken, in just a day, by her, for no just reason, because irrespective of our problems, she wasn't the only person going through the issues alone in the relationship. I may have flirted, had sex chats, have girls I say I love u to, but I never crossed that line. I realised I never came first, her happiness always did.
I know I tried to control her relationship with that other guy when I started feeling threatened, my intuition was always right, I knew this day would come, i didnt prepare for it because i was busy making things worse, I made it get to that point, my jealousy began the day I saw a picture of him carrying her, her finger locked with his but it wasn't obvious to her, no one would ever consider that detail, but I did, I knew what it meant, it meant trust and affection that they both didn't realise existed cos it was always friendship at first. I knew I was guilty too, the things I did; I wanted to make sure she wasn't making the same mistakes I was. I left home just for her, only her, couldn't she see that as enough reason to try for me? I had no friends, I had no other girl around that could least threaten our relationship so she had no reason to feel insecure, maybe I lost all my leverage, I let her know how much she meant to me and it was a big mistake, i thought i was making the right sacrifices for love, i was sacrificing my happiness, I gave her the greatest power over me, she owned my happiness, she knew she could always hurt me anytime.
Even though I said I love u to other girls, they were empty to me, because I know and control my feelings, and they were all for her, but I didn't trust hers, because she never lied about anything, not even how she felt. I didn't want her saying "I love you" to another guy, because I know she would mean it. This was my reason for trying to control her, trying to censor her conversations, trying to cut her off from some friends, something every man who is truly in love does, but was this love or insecure obsession? She wouldn't understand if I just tell her all my intentions, in the end it's her life, I can't chose her friends for her, I wasn't even married to her, but what if we did, will my insecurities go away? Would I let her have friends? I choked her with my fears and insecurities. This was me in that moment feeling guilty but feeling guilty didn't make the pain feel better, it made me feel more like a failure for allowing another guy take my price, I felt less of a man. My betrayals and unsaid words, the shadowing her and other things I claimed to be doing for our own good which she never saw made me realise I had lost, she didn't see the big picture. I was going ahead of myself which only allowed me meet my end before time.
Confused, lost, alone, ashamed, I couldn't wear my pain on my face in the morning, everyone will notice, I have to cover it up, and I have to decide that now. There I was trying to figure it all out and in that moment, after the rain came pain, and after the pain came me. I didn't lock any monsters behind that door, I locked myself away, the last good of me, that guy who was always a failure and decided that if I would be punished for doing stuffs I am accused of doing without actually doing them, it wasn't fair to me because nobody would apologize in the end for bearing false witness, I knew I had to start doing them and start bearing the consequences, to become wise I left my heart and my conscience in that particular moment in 1:30 am, I closed my eyes, faced that imagination and embraced my demons, it had happened and there was no changing it, it will hurt some times to know, but it is what it is, and so, whatever was left of me was buried under my sorrow and I was born, I embraced my fears, my pain, my failure, my loss and used them to live on from that moment.
I didn't care who it was, as long as you came my way, I had to conquer you, this was me, you thought you knew me, you only know what I want you to, until you find out in the end that I have treated you exactly how I was treated, preying on innocent souls as revenge, leaving them in the position I was. I began to enjoy being like a bird, no strings attached, no commitment, no feeling of love, just av your moment. But this kind of freedom always comes with a price, a pool of loneliness, a void you feel that nothing can satisfy, your happiness is temporary, you destroy everything and everyone around you, you use people when you want. You have this field of toxicity hovering around you. One day you wake up and realise you have no love, no friends, this is the real darkness, not the one behind that door, the one you are living in.
(This was my first true love story, the first love is the sweetest but the first cut is the deepest, if you let it change you, you may be lost forever. Love isn't meant to be complete, it is meant to be perfect for the both of you. And so I went to school and a new chapter opened for me, the #pieces of my regrets# Tales of a Dreamer)
A new chapter opens #pieces of my regrets#
Now you know why I am who I am... Who am I?
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