Love, my greatest weapon and my weakness. I thought I found the girl of my dreams, one I was willing to leave my life behind for, convince myself to make a trip just to be with, I was always one
step ahead of everyone, I always had a way out, in an instant I don't need to think to lie my way out, it just comes spontaneously. It made me to be one step ahead of my self, being in that position I never got to read the warning signs, even though they were glaring, the idea of being in love was enough to ignore the world and other consequences and karma was always a step away; so who was I fooling?
Someone anonymous told me; "love is meant to be a good and happy feeling, there is a dark side, a dark undertone to my love story, slightly shrouded in mystery and pain that makes you want to understand where i build my idea of love on". Let me show you.....
I thought I could have everything, be in control of everything and know it all, things that make you a king. The misery of my life is that I was never satisfied, I had the notion that being in control made things stay in tact, but what you may not know is that control can be addictive when when you have control over something, it makes that thing your slave or should I say 'captive' and it gets to a point when your control begins to choke, you walk into a room and you are not exciting to see, respect begins to decline and your words become empty threats, that loyalty is gone and all have are your canons aiming back at you with your every rage sparking a fire on the trigger, each day you burn closer, you are doing what's good for everyone, at least that's what you think, convincing yourself that you are protecting everyone, but isn't that also selfish when that other person does not need protecting?
I thought protecting Victoria was the best way to save us, but she was the one who needed protection from me because this game was more than a chess, I had sacrificed all my players, I had no friends or foes, just a loyal crowd I had to integrate with, these were her own friends, and I thought they were mine too, they had our best interest at heart, but no matter how comfortable I felt, Victoria was always their priority. I was more like a threat they were trying to study to neutralise to know if I was good for her, I was a part of the circle I could never be in, cos that circle has been built over the years on trust, tears and friendship, I was wrong again to think I could be in control.
The Bishop, The Knight and the Rogue as I like to see them as were playing a different game to protect the Queen, when they all ought to be protecting the King, but by protecting the Queen, they gave her the freedom to protect her king, I saw them as threats also. Being friends with them helped me understand her better, they brought a different kind of reality to me, and I loved it, the hangouts, the chats, we became a team, and gradually I began to fall in love with the friendship, those walls gradually came down and I began to feel again, it was strange to me, I didn't know what it really was until that good night when I felt my heart break for the first time, the kind of night you wish suicide was the best option because you just want the pain to stop, my downfall was lurking cos I had let my guard down.
I was always at that corner i was backed into since the first day we saw ourselves because at the end of each day, the only friends i had were hers and there was no one to turn back to, I was all alone during the dark thinking I had people, but my only real friend was Victoria, but if she had a choice between me and her other friends, even if you are put in that position, you who would you chose! You know the real answer as much as I do so I had to devise a way to be the centre of attraction, to be her focus and priority, all I needed was her undivided attention, fighting for everything I had, what more did I want? I had the skills: being selfish, pretence and false emotions. I had mastered how to use all these skills overtime, perfected them to help me get what I wanted, but what I never knew how to do, was clear the traces. These trails led back to me, because I love holding on to things, moments and memories that were intimate, I had a lot of secrets, I never cleared them cos I was too confident I wouldn't be caught. Those little things you leave undone will always be used against you, and they were the biggest blows in our relationship, I thought I was fighting the right fight for our relationship, I was only fighting our relationship.
Her attention was the biggest piece because it held all of us together, she knew how to share it, and I was worried about it, cos there was another king in disguise just lurking. It was me against them against him, I was fighting a battle on three fronts, and all my threats were allies in the same circle, so how do I win? Always ahead of myself and the pack, running when every other person was walking and dragging them to follow my pace, I never looked back to know if they were keeping up, I just kept running and dragging, she was in school and exposed to the same freedom and I was scared that it was only a matter of time before she falls for him, focused on getting her full attention when I was supposed to be finding my way to school, I kept deceiving myself that I was in love, and it was all that mattered, well, to me only, cos every other person were fighting for something else. I started reading text messages, asking questions and if you must know, my exposure to all those truths and secrets were the cause of my problems, I was happier before I looked at that phone screen, I was at peace before I heard about him. He has always been in the picture, and his anonymity was the only things that made my life better, until I opened that veil and brought him out of the shadows and now the knowledge of him haunts me and I thought I could push him out, someone who was a part of her life long before I knew she existed, what was I thinking?
Chess pieces are not pushed out of the playing board, you take them out with the right moves. Love is everything, but not this foolish as I made it seem, he was a pawn, making its way to the other part of the chess board to switch to be a king, and I made the path easy for him, instead of drawing a defense line, i was blinded by jealousy and envy and began choking her into realising that she needed something better, when all she was doing was fighting for me, but what do you think happens when a Queen's kingdom becomes threatened by her king, she finds another King to fight back, and I was at the receiving end of the canons with burning triggers. I gave her the right weapons to fight back, I can remember we were still using 2go, we swapped accounts just to keep tabs, big mistake when you have skeletons. A girl was acting assistant girlfriend (the queen i had) she asked me about it and I could remember telling her that she was my sister, please tell me if that is convincing? who would admit that he or she is cheating? Most of my status were about another girl like it wasn't obvious, the lie didn't add up, then when we saw she went through my phone and she saw some messages and a sex chat, the things I was too confident to clear. I had handed to her the perfect weapon that can tear down even a nation down, my dark secrets were in the light. This i know made her mad, but she was good just like me at pretending and lying about how she felt, she kept playing as if she saw nothing but inside her she was like what the hell? Everyday it made her think if she wasn't enough.
We began having problems, it needed the two of us to fix, you can identify them but it feels like the more you try to fix, the more you guys are drifting apart, the constant nagging, complaints, fighting, ignoring, you see yourselves changing and you don't want that, you begin to miss who you were and you end up crying yourself to sleep, you are happy to talk to each other but every conversation either starts or ends with a fight, you know you love each other but at that point love isn't enough, you say you need to communicate more but talking becomes your greatest enemy, it is less tensed when you are both with each other but you can feel the disparity in the room because we felt compelled to be there not out of love but out of necessity and you don't get to talk much about the things that matter cos your focus is just being happy in that moment and not fucking it up, so you wish that everyday you could see but it doesn't help cos you begin to grow bored and tired of pretending around each other as if you are happy when you are not, you can't say the things you want to cos she either gets tired of hearing them and walks away or you argue it out and nothing changes and you are still angry, my reflection always seemed happier than I did, I could always hear the voices from under my pillow pushing me to do and say things I shouldn't to her, possessed by my own selfish desires that even the devil cries knowing that I did more than he expected, she tells me she needs space and that request makes me feel like my world is over and for a moment it would feel like it is over, I would be reminded of how much I loved her and the pain of loosing her so I would start acting sane to make her change her mind, when she does, I mess it all up again and push her far away, not physically, cos you can feel the distance in her voice, father than the space between us when we were apart, you want to know why it could never be fixed? 'damaged'! Not the relationships; I was damaged, a living dysfunctional being there who had so much leaks and no matter how much love she poured on me I couldn't appreciate or trust her cos I drained them out, drained her also till she had nothing left, she stopped defending me in her mind cos she was fed up of pretending and hoping I would change, I would never, cos all my life I have never learned how to love, I have never been in this kind of relationship and so I was treading unknown waters, it isn't easy to leave your life behind and then become something you weren't designed to be, I tried forcing it but no matter how much I tried, the monster was always revealed, the doors were there to keep the monsters away, but what about the monster I am?
I soon realised that there was nothing left to do, so i called her friends hoping they could help, another wrong choice cos she hates having them in our business, another thing to argue about, then I suggest we all probably hang out but yet, it is just for a few hours and you are back to your bed alone still thinking, still jealous over nothing and thinking of what she is doing, who is she talking to, hope she isn't smiling with another guy when I am here worried, is she having fun with her friends and happier with her life when I am fucked up depressed? I was in Benin because of her but it is beginning to seem as if the sacrifice was in vain cos just the same way I felt that first day when she walked in and how inappreciative I thought she was, was the same was I got to be feeling every night, as if that was my very fate when I made that journey.
I was hurting everyday and thought she would one day realise and change, she did anyways and that was when I got my biggest heart break. She didn't ask for any thing, not the journey, not the love, I guess I forced them on her like people mostly do thinking it is what's best, but for your own good, please stop! You might think I don't hurt, yeah, cos that heartbreak was the best worst thing that happened to me if you think you know me, I hurt once, I didn't like it, so I promised myself I wouldn't hurt again.
Truth is, our problems didn't start in that hey, or the text messages we both saw. To Victoria, time passed and when talking online we had issues when I was still in Port Harcourt and when I came over, things seemed fine but after a while, those problems came up, the cracks were always there. I was living a life on chess and i made her a player, she was the best player there was because she wasn't playing to win, she was playing to be free, and i was standing in the way of that cos i wanted to be in control, but her piece on that board wasn't her real self, I put her there against her will, it was not till after everything was over that I got to realise that her game was the Texas Holdem Poker and she wasn't dealing anymore, because in my board I thought I was a king but on her deck I was only a joker.
So what really happened to me that night that changed me to whoever I became? I guess you have to stick around to find out, how she played her own game, when our problems started and also how I got that heartbreak, but note, she never said it was over!
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