(Pieces of my regrets)
of relationship you expected. It seems perfect to you, but it wasn't more than that. To understand me better, let me take you back to how it started.
I wandered to class that faithful day, smiling gallantly to the expectations of that afternoon. We were few days away from our exams and making preparations. And just as I was about entering the class I spotted something unusual, so out of place like a lost puppy, cute just sitting and was in sure need of a hug. I could tell because I have been in that position a lot of times, praying that someone would just hold me and tell me they understand, but nobody ever did to me though, but I couldn't be like everybody to her, we create our own fairy tales and this was me being Prince Charming even though I was afraid because I was shy. I decided to seat beside her, a total stranger, and she didn't object, she took my legs and made it her pillow, my racing heart calmed just like true love's kiss.
Every body has a story, everybody has battles they fight, and she was fighting hers, on multiple fronts. At that point she had broken down, I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I left her all alone, and for the first time I started caring for someone genuinely, without any expectations. She said I was her knight in shinning armour, but she was my light in disguise, she was brought to my path to help me understand the meaning of true love, and that is "friendship". Guess what made her feel better? " fanta". Fanta was all she needed, and yeah, that shoulder.
I never knew I would meet someone I would be comfortable being just friends with. She was evident of the fact that I was always around the things I couldn't have. There were times I wished I could be someone different to her, because i got to know who she was and what it was like to be loved and supported by her, but I also knew that I would have to sacrifice our friendship. What would be the point of all that we went through if I would just throw it all away? It would mean I didn't learn or change, and I would just continue to be that crazy person who doesn't know how to fight to keep what he has, who only hides under his pain and uses it as an excuse to destroy all his relationships.
This was one relationship I couldn't afford to sacrifice again, and so I loved her, in every way she wanted me to, but I began to love her in a different way, and this time it was the type of love that didn't make me end up broken. I was glad because I was able to watch her be who she wanted and I in no way tried to jeopardize her happiness.
I was proud of who I was becoming with the changes I was making in my life, but I wasn't as happy as I always pretended to be around her. You know that feeling of wanting more because you feel that somebody actually gets you? Doesn't judge you? Respects you? Understands and cares for you? You just want things to be different, but no matter how much they see you, they never get to take you more than that, and you will remain there, always in the friend zone.
Sometimes the people who truly love you are the ones you see as just a friend because they are always there for you and you get comfortable until you fall in love with your friendship, but my feelings kept growing discretely, and one day when I got the chance to tell her, she looked at me and cried and begged me not to fall in love with her. I was tired of watching her fall out of love and choosing the wrong ones. I could tell that they were not good for her, but I always let her do things without interfering so she can have her fair share of mistakes and experiences, and probably learn, learn that I was the right one for her.
Was I really? Everyone on campus thought we were dating, we virtually did everything together asides bathing and dressing up. If only they knew what I knew and felt what I felt. But I owed no one any explanation, we were in a small community with nothing much to do than talk and listen and somehow the truth begins to fade with every conversation.
I was in the same position I tried to avoid with my "Dear Almost", and with her there was always another guy who I had to protect her from, and with my life, I had to settle for things like, " you want your girlfriend to kill me shey". I was popular around town for being her boyfriend, stigmatized by our friendship.
And so, no one ever believed as they all thought we were dating, so there I was stealing pecks and hugs, being cared for like a lover, but it was what I settled for because it was all I could ever have from her. The hugs weren't ordinary, so it wasn't really all bad. But yet, I always wanted more than that.
We always wrote stuffs, mostly about our depression on my IPod before it got missing, I am sure anyone who reads it might commit suicide on our behalf. Nobody needed to see them, maybe that's why it went missing. In the end, I had to swallow my feelings, and that's how the bond was formed, we became best friends, although I was more of a pain in the ass.
The journey wasn't always smooth, had our ups and downs, fights and break ups, final year we stopped talking for a while, I thought the friendship was done for good, but it proved beyond doubt that it was a bond that even though tried through fire would thrive. I learned a lot being friends with her, but no matter how much I tried to pretend, I was always conflicted about what I really wanted with her.
Piece of my regret, she was everything I always needed, she had a pure heart and a fighting spirit, always gives the benefit of the doubt and remains naive till the end even though she has every reason to walk away, she stays, like I do, we could have been perfect with the way I imagined it, because they never loved her like I did but she always chose them over me, I could have taken my chances, stollen things more than kisses. Maybe that would make the story different, but it could have been a perfect love story. The good ones always go........to the bad ones. I missed out on something good trying to be something different, just like I did before on my first date I was scared to grace, now nobody wanted me and so it seemed, in this quest, I might just be doomed.
I found a true lover in a friend, we always kept each other up, she was my better half. I caught more feelings whenever she returned with a broken heart and I had to hold her, till she forgot she was hurting. This was more than Bonnie and Clyde, she was my ride or die and we were always the life of the party, the only risk was the feelings I had. She is married now, to a good guy and have a cute son, with me he could have been fair and things still haven't changed between us, not my feelings though, I mean the friendship. I found love, but it lost it's way.
beautiful
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